Ahh, the black out. Two words I have become very familiar with since I took those first shots of cheap vodka back in high school. Nowadays I can almost smell a blackout coming. Here are a few saying I have heard before a drinking buddy blacks out.
1. “We will just stop in for one.”
There is no such thing as just one. If you are already in the mood to go and hangout in a bar, chances are you are also in the mood to down a six pack before happy hour starts. I have lost count of how many nights have started out with “just one” and end with me waking up with my jeans still on and a large part of my paycheck missing.
2. “I can handle my booze”
If you find yourself defending your tolerance while sitting at a bar, I have news for you: You have no tolerance. Look on the bright side; it’s going to cost you a whole lot less to get drunk than the rest of us. Bad news is that after uttering that statement, those of us with steel livers are going to make sure that we put your tolerance to the test by forcing the highest proof booze we can find down your throat. To alcoholics that’s like a kick me sign.
3. “Fuck it”
I have never solved any problems by drinking, but I sure as hell have forgotten a few. Relationship trouble, shit job, dog died, you’re bored, all good reasons to throw back a few. You know what they say: if you can’t solve your problems might as well add “crippling hangover” to your list of woes.
4. “Lets stick around; I think the bartender is into me.”
Bartenders are good for three things. Pouring you drinks, talking shit, and calling you a cab. Don’t expect anything more from them. They are not there to listen to your problems and they are defiantly not there to flirt with you. No matter how much you think they are into you, the only thing they are interested in is your tip.
This could be a good rule for trying to pick up anyone at the bar. They aren’t there for you. If you do manage to go home with someone, they will look a whole lot different when you come to the next morning. But hey, you can’t regret what you don’t remember.
5. “These are great, what are they called? Long Islands?”
It funny, the people who drink Long Islands are the exact people who shouldn’t be drinking five liquors at once. But who could blame them? They taste amazing and are relatively cheap. My theory is that everyone needs one really bad night from drinking these to realize where the line is. It’s the same with SoCo, because even typing SoCo makes me dry heave.
6. “Another round of shots!”
The last thing I see before I black out is usually the ceiling of a bar. Nothing helps a night get started like $1 shots of cheap whiskey at your favorite dive bar. Come to think of it, nothing helps end a night faster than $1 whiskey shots at your favorite dive bar either.