I have always been a fan of politics, not for any noble reasons, but because I love watching a good game; red vs. blue and now we have a little green in the mix…how exciting! As with most competition I prefer to sit in the corner watch, eat, and run my mouth as to what I would do better or different (I am insufferable). Lovely Warren has just released her picks for her staff. Sadly I will not be a part of her cabinet, not that I would stoop to such a level.
I will never run for Mayor, but if I was offered the position through some type of publicity stunt or shady back-room deal without having to deal with an election or voters here is what I would do to make this city and world a better place:
Ban the Use of Red light Cameras for Traffic Enforcement
I like fun, and frankly there is nothing fun about these damn things. What RPD officer as a kid wanted to be a cop so they can grow up to stare at a screen all day licking stamps and mailing tickets to people? None of course! The way the murder numbers have been rising makes me wonder if this lily livered policing policy is not a sought after position, now. As a motorist I believe half the fun of driving is speeding, running red lights and the chance of being able to talk your way out of a ticket. Trust me I have done it 4 times in my life and it was AWESOME every time. Why take the fun of it? Know what you are thinking, ‘but Vinnie the cameras bring in a lot of money’. I concede that point so here is what I would do to offset the cost:
Bulldoze the Liberty Pole and put in a Casino/Nursing Home
If we simply bulldoze that eyesore, and take advantage of the fact that we took advantage of Native Americans, constructing this should be simple. Think of the added tax revenue, and how much easier it will be to make a left onto Main Street from East Ave!!! Why a nursing home you ask? Well old people love casinos and die in them all the time. We also spend a lot of money on feeding and housing seniors in homes that they hate living in. Why not just let them roam the casino? We are already pumping pure oxygen into the playing floor, and all we would need to do is give them buffet coupons. I know I will sleep better knowing my Grandma is being supervised via camera by former police officers and reformed card cheats. So what if she loses any meager inheritance I might have had coming, the nursing home would have taken it anyway. Who knows she might win, and at the very least there will finally be some effective security in the Mid-Town Area!
Spy on Germany
I feel like as your Mayor, I need to not just keep you safe from Kodak kidnapping and experimenting on your children, but from global threats as well. Everyone is giving Obama shit for spying on Germany and it looks like we are going to have to stop (Have you people ever seen the history channel?). This is an important job and someone has got to do it so why not the Mayor of Rochester. I also assume I am going to see some weird German sex and stuff, and that is even cooler.
Commission an Oil Painting of Myself
Serious, I know I listed this as number 4, but most likely it will actually be the first thing I do (I am Insufferable).
Trick Alex White into doing the Rest of my Work for Me
How hard can it be? I mean he seems to really want the job, and frankly letting him work for me is the closest he might ever get to the Mayoral Office (at least until he bails on that ponytail).
So Nov 5th remember to not vote for me!
Your Pal @VinniePaulino
(PS Listen to my show the Shoot to Thrill Podcast on Rocpodcasts.com)