National Buffet Month Chapter one Mario’s Via Abruzzi Sunday Brunch Buffet By Will ‘TeenSet’ Carroll First and foremost I’d like to introduce myself to the wonderful Teen audience of the Rochester Insomniac! Thank you for welcoming me into your world of political discussions and drug problems!
National Buffet Month is one of the most sincere (like the great pumpkin) holiday events known to mankind. Similar to ‘Thanksgiving’ which represents ‘killing Indians’ (feather not dot) and other north American capitalist morals, National Buffet Month is traced back to the Neanderthals of pre-modern times. Several cave etchings, commonly referred to as Hieroglyphics (pronounced hi-ro-glip-icks) have been shown to depict this ancient tradition commonly known today as National Buffet Month. (Not to be confused with National Jimmy Buffett Month, this occurs in august) Furthermore, The month long holiday contributes of a caveman town that visits each others caves in the month of November to eat a smorgasbord of vittles (caveman food) buffet style. Although heat lamps were not created yet many Neanderthals kept the food warm by rubbing sticks together. As time progressed, Neanderthals became human beings with cars and 401k plans and no longer choose to purposely gain weight to avoid freezing to death! Which is fantastic for us right?
In the past decade (ten years) Middle class white people of Facebook have began favoring the celebrating of National Buffet Month over Thanksgiving because of ‘white guilt.’ This means that YOU feel remorse for the native Americans who were given small pox blankets out of spite not humor over 45 years ago! Without further ado here is chapter one of my celebration (accompanied by photos for the illiterate readers) of NATIONAL BUFFET MONTH
When I first heard of Marios via Abruzzi brunch buffets on Sunday mornings I was excited. We heard rumors of chocolate fountains, made to order omlettes and unlimited breakfast and Italian goodies. To kick off the month long buffet celebration we started at the top of locale buffets and pulled into the Upper Upper Monroe Ave fancy parking lot.
Getting up early on a Sunday is hard (Satanists don’t go to church) When we entered the lavishly decorated building I was shocked to not see people dressed to the nines. I expected the cliental to match the crooning Sinatra soundtrack provided but was met with pink haired freaks, prostitutes and sex dungeon workers mindlessly shuffling about the waiting room.
MaryKate and I were approached by a staff member who offered us a MEMOSA (orange juice mixed with chocolate milk) I began to feel a little fuzzy after one and a half of these concoctions (perhaps the chocolate milk was spoiled) We were sat at a table next to a family who’s father was a womanizer and spoke provocatively to females who walked by the table! When we entered the banquet sized buffet area we were astonished all the rumors were true! There was a chocolate fountain! We began the food voyage with the personalized omelet, the chef who wore a real chef cap like in the movies flipped the eggs all around! Flip, flop, flip, flop, went the eggies all over the pan, mmmm
They also had a tray of ‘Eggs Benedict’ which are named after the American war hero Benedict Arnold of no relation to televisions famed Arnold the pig on green acres. The cheese from the omelets stretched for miles across our plates and made for very tasty cheese stretchies. Then came the meat part of the brunch, very brave hero’s manned with giant buzz saws usually used for cutting down trees in the forest sliced ham, roast beef and leg of lamb into neat slices. It was delicious especially when the butter from the mashed potatoes sloshed all over the meat. These men also wear chef hats as the above mentioned omelet men wore.
All the food was great they also had a lady making fried cakes called waffles which you could pile on shaving cream and strawberries or chocolate sauce. I ate and ate the food until it was time I got my ‘just desserts’ A chocolate fountain is available to dunk pretzels, cookies, marshmallows and fruit into. I obviously had to put my Rat Fink into the Chocolate fountain (for Journalistic purposes) He loved it! We made the waiter laugh because he saw the Rat-Fink covered in the chocolate sauce! We left very satisfied and very stuffed, if I were facing a frozen tundra world like the Neanderthals once did I would want this to be my last meal!