HAVE YOU EVER DREAMT OF DINING ON CUISINE FROM ALL OVER THE EARTH IN THE COMPANY OF DESPERATE CRIMINALS?
This fantasy of yours can be achieved 20 minutes out of the city at the Finger lakes casino and race-mens track. Upon entrance you are scrutinized and your civil liberties are imposed upon ‘are you old enough, we must scan your id into the computer, blah blah blah’ This is to ensure your immediate identification upon either killing yourself (see How to kill yourself by Joey Lanzone) in the restroom after losing all your money or when you go into diabetic shock in the buffet and rushed to Canandaigua general hospital.
Entering the Casino Buffet is no simple task as bloops and bleeps startle you from every angle as you chase neon arrows directing you thru a labyrinth of disparity. Upon reaching the casino you are greated by a beautiful neon sign and sparkling lights that dazzle the patrons in line.
The line into the buffet is dangerous filled with vile human beings who may ‘shank’ you at any moment to feed their addiction (gambling not buffet food) The register woman while talented in all respects is not welcoming and continues the front door’s scrutiny. “Are you a player plus member?” she scoffs. “No, what’s that” I nervously stutter. “you need a players plus club card” she hisses with the tenacity of a giant viper.
Again, cursed to wander the maze of electronic sin, we stumble back to the main desk. The scrutiny continues! As the staff now demands your Id again, tags and chains you and forces you to make a full body plaster cast (nude) The entire process takes upwards of 15 hours but luckily you are unconscious for part of it. After facing a similar amount of prosecution comparable to what the jews faced during world war two or the adversity the American juggalo deals with at the grammys we were finally ready to eat!
A world war of dishes combated over my table as I stuffed my mouth with the nations top cuisine. A server patronizes you and demands you to decide on a beverage I blurt out ‘Choclate Milk” like a fool and unlike my past experiences at the casino the waitress smiles and obliges my wishes, for now I am no longer a vagrant in the alley or a juggalo in a mall food court, I am somebody, I have a players plus card!
They have a wood fire pizza oven which is a frightening experience. This ‘high end’ pizza cooker can only be described as the oven a witch would shove children for biting the delicious siding off of her home. If you can overcome this fear, the pulled pork pizza is quite doughy and yummy. (I am salivating about it right now)
You will soon be visiting , Mexico (with their authentic ground beef smooshies), Italy (with a real pizza pie) China, (with it’s real red slime chicken bits over rice) and the american south (with it’s slim jims with bones)
Keeping your wits about you is crucial in this war torn killing field as an addicted (casino food not gambling) elderly woman could attack at any moment. A man with a chefs hat (possibly a chef of some type) accosted me and proposed his ability to put a slab of bloody roast beef on my plate. “why yes, I would love that.” I bashfully replied as the man bent over the counter providently with the (SPOILER) same device Tara was killed by Jemma on Sons of Anarchy with and plopped a fresh piece of beef on top of my mashed potatoes. The blood and butter congealed together to form a ripe delicacy I have been trying to create at home since.
I ate and ate, more-so than at any other competing buffet. While vomiting in the restroom, I noticed a needle exchange vending machine. ‘Why are heroin addict so attracted to casinos? ‘ I contemplated to myself. I asked the waitress but got no satisfying response possibly due to her own addiction (casino buffets not heroin) Other than the meat slicing man, another man with a similar hat know most likely as the pasta making man. Already full, I chose a type of pasta from the menu and additives such as olives, sausage, artichokes, marbles, and red peppers. Then he put them in a little pan and flipped and flopped them all over the place! It was delicious (I am salivating right now)
Then for a final act I went to the potato bar and put lots of butter and white fluffy powder and chocolate syrup all over a baked potato. Then the dessert counter came into play. Beyond being stuffed ‘National’ buffet month had come to a standstill…. I acquired several desserts such as pies and an ice-cream Sunday (it was Tuesday) The ice-cream melted all over the table as I force-fed the sugary concoction down my throat to the point of sickness and irreversible damage to my human body. Then I got up and lost all my money at the casino…
In review of National Buffet Month, (November) I came to realize the casino buffet was my favorite! Due to the fact that no children are allowed into the casino buffet, it is by far the best
I’ve received a lot of positive responses to this series of articles! Thank you for letting me into your homes to share my experiences