The future is a dark desolate place, until now.
Aries (march 21-April 19) – You will meet a person who will have no impact on your life but will have a memorable face.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The informant will meet you under the liberty pole sometime Thursday afternoon.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – You will have a false sense of accomplishment for the forseeable future.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – We know what you did to Sagittarius you sick fuck.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Your left shoe will become untied at the most inconvenient moment.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Beware strange men in red cloaks brandishing medieval weaponry.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Go fuck yourself.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – That top does not match those pants
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – It is OK Cancer can not hurt you anymore.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Your Netflix account will start receiving strange transmissions from an otherworldly source.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Your pet will act aloof to your very existence on this planet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Beware vehicle breakdowns and demon possessions. Keep a AAA card and the number to an exorcist on hand.