The future is a dark desolate place, until now.
Aries (march 21-April 19) – Does it matter? Does anything REALLY matter?
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Read a good book this week. Or burn a bad one.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – You will find human remains in a discount garbage plate.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Your body is a temple. A temple of blood letting and sacrifice. Eat less carbs.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – You will lose your hearing next Thursday, which is fortunate because your friends will lack anything interesting to say.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Your toothpaste will be replaced by a mysterious green ooze.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Life will not be affected by astrological signs.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – You will make close friends with a strange hippie met on Park Ave.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Caffeine holds the key to your happiness.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- You will find a gentle old lady living in your crawl space.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- You will become aware of a new plane of existence, but will not be able to experience it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – The end is nigh. Not your end, but an end.