The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Commit to a new and demanding educational institution.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you will have a penny. Luck is an illusion.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – You will die, but not before everyone you love dies first.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Nothing is real, including this horoscope.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Strange shapes will flicker in and out of your peripheral vision.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Jump into energetic action today, the corporate overlords will give you direction.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Guard your heart from previous lovers. They have become merchants of the black market.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Sticks and stones may break your bones. Avoid sticks and stones.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Seek shelter.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Your words can be a weapon. Your gun can also be a weapon. Use both generously.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- A journey of a thousand miles will begin, at the command of a satellite activated mind control chip.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – There is a thought that has been eating away at you. Seek medical attention.