The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Listening is dangerous. Talking is more-so.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The woman from Russia is arriving today.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – You will see strange flares in the sky at night. Ignore them, they are of no concern.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Paint strange Sanskrit symbols on your front door to keep away unwanted Mormons.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Use conservation to win people over to your side. If conversation doesn’t work, use mind alternating drugs.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Your sensitive heart may be touched by anger today, embrace it. Embrace the anger.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Train hopping vagrants hold the key to your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Accept gifts from strangers; the gifts are most likely drugs.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Beware barbers. They are the ones with the straight razors.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Spend a day at home, you have deserved it. It is also a good escape from the pollution and UV radiation of the outside world. Is that a new mole?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Your recent actions have cursed you, your family, and your future children. Good Job.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – You will find yourself wearing a stranger’s underwear this weekend.