The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – You won a brand new car!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You left the stove on this morning. That is what the stars say this week.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – One of your dreams this week will come true. Which dream, or nightmare, is uncertain.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Invest all of your money into dice games. There is no way this will steer you wrong.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Past memories will give you a haunting, crippling, sadness.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- It is better I don’t tell you what the stars have in store for you. Tell your family that you love them.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Seriously, do it. We dare you. No one is looking.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – It is better to have loved and lost. Its great… just the best.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Confused about your future and feeling lost. Sounds like you are human. Good luck with that.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Check your shoes for scorpions, and your underwear for fleas.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- We know what you are thinking about Libra, you pervert.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – The answers are not here this week. Check a fortune cookie instead.