The future is a dark desolate place, until now.
Aries (march 21-April 19) – Its always good to stay optimistic and expect a few problems on your road to success. Even if those few problems create a dark, horrifying road ahead.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Today is the day to organize, whether it be a useful community group or bloody rebellion against our unseen overlords.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – A new person will come into your life to sweep you off your feet, or come to cut off your feet. Be prepared for anything.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Important information could come your way, like a new skill for your job or the launch codes for a cold war nuclear warhead.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – An unexpected raise could have you feeling outwardly generous. Give a few dollars to a homeless person, or some food, or some blood, or a kidney. Your generosity knows no bounds.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- A vacation is needed. Do not worry about planning or location, simply jump the first freight train you can manage and be on your merry way to adventure.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Hold the door for your date. Tear the door off the hinges and fight off potential suitors. Establish dominance.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Free will is a myth
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – The destruction of humanity is enevitable, consider a career as a goldfish.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Happiness is a myth, look into the abyss and except that.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Time is temporary, life is meaningless, invest in Goldbond Foot Powder
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Love is just chemicals that make you irrational. Skip the middleman and take MDMA.