At risk of coming off as un-american or (communistic) I truly love everything about Canada! I love the tourist traps, I love the big waterfall, I love the moose, I love the wrestlers and why would the buffets not match suit? So with much anticipation I and MaryKate crossed the border (which for punks is not easy) We spent the afternoon at our favorite 3 blocks in the world, Clifton Hill.
If you’re not familiar it’s a hill crowded with haunted houses, wax museums, arcades, fun houses and attractions. I could spend my entire life here and I also dream to open my own haunted house hotel someday (looking for financial backers). Anyways, we drove into the military style compound that is ‘Fallsview Casino’ it has a giant tower and obviously, you can see the giant stupid waterfall while you gamble. OK, so getting into the place is bonkers and wacky as it’s a underground 8 story parking garage, good luck finding your car, you may have to live inside the casino permanently. So, the casino is also a shopping mall, which I typically love but all the stores were extremely high end and strange.
A hot sauce store caught our eyes and we sampled hot sauces and heckled the employee (what I generally do in every store) The hot sauce was too hot and I hated it and hated my experiences there. As per usual in order to eat at a casino buffet one must sign up for a players plus card on a springy rope (similar to and essentially tagging human cattle) They promised us a FREE SHOW in January, I hope it’s a MAGIC SHOW! Most likely we will never return to this casino (keep reading) There was a looooong line to enter the buffet. This has never happened before and standing in line to eat massive amounts of food felt embarrassing. We could peek over the barrier and see people eating and it looked fancy and delicious.
Those individuals who I’m assuming lost the most money at the casino were allowed in a separate shorter line and a macho man (think Dolph Lungdren) with a (sorry feminists) a bimbo woman felt entitled to be in the shorter line. The staff kindly sent them packing and much anger and anxiety was created, (is that what ruined my appetite) Upon entering the visuals were overwhelming but upon closer inspection things were quite strange. The opening act was a section called ‘Canadian Comfort Food’ which is a very nice way to say (I’m sorry) BullShit Food that sucks and is weird. (sorry for the poor language) I picked up a piece of fried chicken and a piece of ham covered in like maple syrup with balls on it ( I cant make this up) It was as bad as it sounds.
The next section was Indian food which I hate and avoided like the plague. Next up, was Chinese that had strange items as well such as hot (flavorless) buns filled with (flavorless) sloppy joe. Chinese noodles that also tasted bad. Then they had a seafood section which I also hate and avoided. Marykate who also hates seafood but sometimes dabbles with a lobster or something I have no idea, went in for a closer look at the clams. A well meaning fellow eater said she should try the clams then proceeded to put 5 of them on her plate against her will. Is that considered assault? The clam juice began to drip onto the food on her plate so I put them in a soup cup and set it on the dessert counter.
Italian food is always a hit but the Italian bar seemed as if it had been neglected for years as some foul looking lasagna sat out, no spaghetti (a popular Italian dish) was available. A cold section of strange looking lunch meats ended the journey, what the hell am I going to do with random slices of meat that smell like feet, get the hell away from me. Roast beef carving stations are typically the highlight of the buffet experience yet at this location the beef was over cooked and the chef man had no sense of humor (see review of olde county buffet) even smashing packets of butter on the steak did not redeem it’s quality. All the food Was mediocre and Marykate said it tasted like Golden Corral yet people who seemed to have class were loving it. Everything seemed heated up from a frozen state.
We discussed our disapproval as we pushed food around on our plates. We went up for salad that was generally OK yet nothing was labeled so who knows what any of it was. They had attractive potato salad but upon consumption I learned the potatoes were hard and possibly raw (do Canadians like it that way?) Also I tried a ‘Brazilian’ ball dish, it was as horrible as it looks. My last non desert dish was a ‘pumpkin sausage’ which is exactly what it sounds like and why on earth would anyone want that? Dessert was presented well but not spectacular as it seems the RatFink was only there to stick his hands in things…
The ice cream table resembled a crime scene and a giant spoon was floating around in the ‘tapioca?’ not that I was going to have any regardless. I began to feel unwell and my disdain for National Buffet Month increased. Angry, with the Canadians for the first time in my life I shuffled out pathetically from the casino as a person who had lost thousands of dollars. Victor Frankenstein has nothing on me I muttered considering how his monster only killed a handful of people yet my creation of National Buffet month has caused nothing but pain and suffering. I’m sorry but once I commit to something I stick with it weather it be dj’ng for Bobby T every week for four years or going to a plethora of shitty buffets every year.
Thank you for reading I hope nothing like this ever happens to you and if it does may you have the common sense to simply count your losses and move on. Also, the bread was hard.