The future is a dark desolate place, until now.

Aries (march 21-April 19) – Listening is Dangerous. Talking is more-so.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The woman from Russia is arriving today.

Gemini (May21 – June 20) – You will see strange flares in the sky at night. Ignore them, they are of no concern.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Paint strange sans-kit symbols on your front door to keep away unwanted Mormons.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Use conservation to win people over to your side. If conversation doesn’t work, use mind alternating drugs.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Your sensitive heart may be touched by anger today, embrace it. Embrace the anger.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Train hopping vagrants hold the key to your future.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Accept gifts from strangers; the gifts are most likely drugs.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – This is not real life.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)-A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Cover your mind in saran wrap to maintain freshness

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- The preppers are right, invest in freeze dried goods.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Life is about generosity, give a kidney to a loved one.