The future is a dark desolate place, until now.

Aries (march 21-April 19) – If violence is not the answer you are asking the wrong questions.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You are always where you have been. Stop searching, no need to find yourself.

Gemini (May21 – June 20) – The blue-eyed people are out to get you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Scary things are coming. You have been warned.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – You will find a homeless man living in your crawl space.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Get to work dumbass.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – You will gain the ability to read the minds of goldfish.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Revenge is not a dish best served cold. Buy a microwave.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – I can’t tell you everything you think you should hear. Find it out for yourself.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- You can do it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- You can’t do it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Throw out every left shoe and good fortune will follow.