The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – You will wake up with the motivation to start a cult.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Don’t underestimate your pet. It will always have the ability to eat you.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – The mafia will take over your college debt. Learn to live without knee caps.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Your best friend will become an informant for the CIA.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – No need for horoscopes, you are woke af bro.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- A message from your stalker will make you smile. Maybe give them a chance?
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Social networks will take over your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Enjoy your vices now, before the Quakers take them away.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You will become fat. Like, beached whale fat.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- There is a bright pink mohawk in your future.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Your true love will be wearing a leather corset at Vertex.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Your next boss will be a lizard person.