Insomniac Horoscopes

Insomniac Horoscopes

The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Buy a flamethrower.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Venture outside of your safe zone and think up a creative and hard to pronounce safe word.

Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Make fun of your loved ones, they are a cosmic joke.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Life is misery, get used to it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – You will meet a shaman in the dark corner of a dive bar.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Fellatio in a public restroom is in your future.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Measure twice, cut once. Especially when conducting a back room circumcision.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – The answer to life is at the bottom of your next whiskey bottle.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You will find true love at a strip club.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Cheat on your significant other. Trust me, they won’t find out.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- (Error Message #409313821)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Hard drugs are in your future.

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