The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – You will become your own best friend. The raving, manic depressive, back stabbing friend you have always wished for.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You might feel under appreciated. Remedy this by becoming the leader of a biker gang or political party.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Pick up the pace on your health and fitness this week. Quicker, FASTER! Run! Before it catches you!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Try to act humble between Tuesday and Thursday. No one must suspect what you know until “it” is complete.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – An art object from a different culture might raise strange feelings inside of you. Perhaps it is the talisman that you have been seeking.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Something in your life might cause irritation or anger that makes you want to fight. Embrace that anger, violence is the answer.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Why do you doubt yourself? Perhaps you lack direction in your current career. Perhaps, you just suck.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – No time to dwell on past mistakes. Plenty of time to build that time machine to fix your past mistakes.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Your true love is currently eating someone else’s ass.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- It might be time for a new job opportunity. It might also be time to sell all of your earthly possessions and live under a bridge.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Ignore the voices in your head that tell you to kill. Accept the voices in your head that tell you to bake cupcakes.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – It is time to place trust in those around you. It may be your friend, a co worker, or the NSA agents who spy on you from down the street.