Insomniac Horoscopes

Insomniac Horoscopes

The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Romance is in the air, and you will feel an instant connection with someone you don’t expect. Whether that is a man, woman, lizard creature, or self aware dust cloud.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – This is the best week for advancement in your cause. Gather some surprising allies and march forth against the vague menacing government.

Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Consider a new occupation. Prostitution for example. But, do it for the thrill, and not for the money.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – A bearded lady at Mark’s Texas Hots will gift you the key to true happiness.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Stay focused, you waste too many bullets when you rush.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- This week is a good week to wear a disguise.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Follow your heart, even if it means following it into a sleazy bathroom with a coke dealer who has his own name tattooed on his face.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – (Your AD Here).

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – A member of your household will seem in a strange mood this week. When did they get that strange scar at the base of their jaw? Be careful around that house member!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Someone you know will come to you with a new business venture. Disregard the felonious nature of that business opportunity and go for it!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Tune in, turn on, drop out.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – That ‘thing’ you left at the bottom of the lake last month will resurface and cause problems between you and the authorities.

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