The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – The new romance in your life will be fueled by AA batteries. Stock up.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – It’s time to shake up your daily routine. Try taking acid before going to your next shift at work.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Assume authority in your life. Total authority. Iron fisted authority.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – You would kill for a cigarette this week. You’ve never smoked before, but any chance to kill is a good one.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Your significant other will turn out to be a lizard person. It is up to you about how you two overcome this realization.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- It’s time to start that new diet you have been planning; vegetarian, paelo, vegan, cannibalism. Try any of them.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – 37.2350° N, 115.8111° W
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – If you feel a sense of comfort, then the chem trails are working.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You might wake up feeling a sense of unease and not know why. This is because the NSA has finally figured out mind control.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Your life is like a box of chocolates, half of it will leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Avoid computers. They are learning your habits and are plotting your demise.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Speak bluntly about your feelings. Also speak slowly and clearly so the microphones can pick it up.