The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – An opportunity will arise that you have been hoping for. Choose your murder weapon carefully.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Express your personal fantasies in public, no matter how sick and depraved.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Cure your boredom with hard drugs.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Make people comply with your new cutting edge idea, even if it means using the cutting edge of a K bar.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Go back to basics, such as witch burning and public floggings.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- The universe wants you to look deep into your significant other. Real deep. Like, gloves up to the elbow deep. Keep searching.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Tila Tequila is your spirit animal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Its time to start exercising. Join the UFC.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You hope to live the life of Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll. Instead you will live the life of masturbating, anti depressants, and polka.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Your life is a miserable existence.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- With Jupiter in retrograde, it is time to disavow your religion and join ISIS.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Diet and exercise will result in your dying quicker. Keep going.