The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – This is the month to reinvent yourself from the ground up. Start with a funny hat and go from there.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Money and fame do not hold the key to happiness. That key is hidden behind a wall in an abandoned warehouse.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Radical changes are not needed to bring balance to your life. But balance is boring. Begin a hostile takeover of your neighborhood. Embrace the radical dictator within.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – You an important part of a greater machine. Like a screw or a lug nut. Good for you little lug nut.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – It is going to get worse. Trust me, I am an all knowing horoscope.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Have trust in your friends. With them nothing is impossible.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Expect delays on that one bit of highway you use everyday.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – You will finally get that vacation you deserve. That is because you will be fired. Lazy asshole.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – It is time to start becoming a successful entrepreneur. Start investing in those plucky Liberian freedom fighters you keep hearing so much about.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- You will not find inner peace. Your best hope is to pretend to have outer peace. Start finishing every tweet with #Namaste
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- You will have a new special encounter. It could be with a long lost friend, a new lover, or a particularly interesting homeless person.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Have you ever met that special someone who shares your thoughts, hopes, and dreams? That person is an evil clone and must be destroyed. There can only be one.