How many times have you watched a heist movie and dreamed of being apart of the crew? Let’s be honest, it is probably more times than you can count. One of my favorites is “The Bank Job” starring Jason Statham. In it he plays a reformed criminal a bit down on his luck, until one day his ex-girlfriend shows up and offers him a chance at a huge score. Naturally, things start smooth the go a bit awry. Plot twist and backstabbing ensues, and what starts as a heist becomes much more. If you have not seen the movie I will not spoil it for, besides we’re getting a bit off topic. The movie is a must see in my opinion though.
Now back to the matter that we are here to discuss. That, ladies and gents, is how to rob a bank. As per our usual disclaimer I must say you should never ever do anything that I describe in this article. I personally have never robbed a bank, and I do not plan to. Every year you hear of many failed and successful bank robberies. Let me assure you that the former far outweighs the latter. To say the chances of getting away are slim to none is and understatement, but that’s not what you want to hear is it? You want to know how to get the job done. Well folks without further adieu, here’s how you rob a bank.
So as we all know, every bank from here to Timbuktu tends to be pretty well guarded. Between armed guards and electronic surveillance a smooth in and out will be next to impossible. Ideally you want to walk in, pass the guards, acquire the wanted funds, and walk out without causing any kind of stir. Hell, you don’t even want them to notice that they have been robbed until you are long gone. The only real surefire way to guarantee that is to own the bank itself. Or you could be like the now deceased Saddam Hussein. Become the dictator of your own country and use your power seize the cash by order of the government.
That’s right, on March 18 of 2003 Qusay Saddam Hussein, the second son of Saddam was ordered by his father to go to the Central Bank of Iraq and remove nearly $900 million in U.S. Currency plus an additional $100 million worth of Euros from it’s vaults. $1 billion dollars walked right out the front door and no one even batted an eyelash. This is the way to go. I mean sure Saddam was inhuman and cruel. When it comes to robbing banks though he might be the all time champ! The guy didn’t even bother to go himself. He sent his son and one of his most trusted officials to do the deed. All of this happened just before the American assault on Iraq began, and in the confusion that followed another 8 billion dollars was said to have been stolen from the bank.
I know this I kind of a tall order but I say go big or go home. I’m already trying to think of some 3rd world leader I can overthrow in an attempt to pull this of myself. OK, well maybe not, but you get the gist of it. Saddam pulled off one the largest heist in history. It would make a pretty boring heist movie though, and maybe it is just a tad bit beyond the scope of what the everyday working man could accomplish.
Let’s bring things back to reality here. Since I don’t believe any of our readers are hatching plans to become ruthless dictators anytime soon, this next method is a bit more within the abilities of you, the everyday working man. Carl Gugasian was a working stiff like you or I. Right up until Friday evenings. You see, after he clocked out of his day job at the end of the week he became the most prolific bank robber in Unite States history. His crime spree spanned over 30 years. His robberies were executed with surgical precision. Gugasian was in and out in 2 minutes or less every time. He planned meticulously. If you want to be like Carl first you must choose your targets wisely. Hit banks in rural areas. Why? To insure your get away of course. When Carl knocked off a bank he made his initial escape on foot. The banks he robbed were always near wooded areas where he would keep a dirt bike stashed, and since he struck at dusk on Fridays. Not only were the banks loaded with cash but the nightfall helped to conceal his getaway. This is the reason the FBI began to referred to him as the Friday Night Robber.
Sounds simple enough right? The devil is in the details though. Your going to have to train your body to be in peak condition if you’re going to make a break on foot. Also, a working knowledge of bank procedure will serve you well if you want to get the secret cash drawers where the large sums of cash are held. Brush up on the local geography while you’re at. Running into the woods is a brilliant idea, but not if you don’t know where you’re going. Last thing you want is to run into gun toting hunters with sacks of stolen cash. Gugasian did all this and more, which explains why he was able to be so prolific with his dastardly deeds.
This guy had hidden caches and bunker scattered through the wilderness. When the FBI caught him they were so impressed they hired him to help them foil future bank robbers! Gugasian was so good that if it weren’t for some kids accidentally finding a stash of maps and bank details hidden in a drain near their homes, his 30 plus year streak would still be rolling on unabated.
So that’s it. If you, a plain old Joe Schmo from up the road, want to take a chance at a high stakes heist then that’s the blueprint for success. Just remember, Gugasian was eventually caught. It may have been dumb luck but it happened, and we all know how things turned out for Saddam. Being a merciless dictator can have some really harsh karmic blow back to say the least. Whatever way you plan on going about it, the choice is yours. You could get away clean or you could end up in a extended stay suite at hotel Guantanamo, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.