The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – You may feel like life is holding your feet to the fire. That is not life, that is the government’s secret investigation unit.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Stay flexible to deal with unexpected events. Stay very flexible to star in your own porno.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Your love life will become very intense. Like battery clamps to the nipples intense. Mmmmmm … Intensity.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – You recently have been hovering between two relationships. Combine them both to save time and money. The world needs more polygamy.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Try to get a new outlook on life. Start a new hobby, start meditating, surgically switch eyes with a vagabond no one will miss.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Your self esteem could be up one minute and down the next. That is called Bi Polar Disorder. Seek medical attention.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Stop putting your faith in horoscopes. Simpleton.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – If you feel your ears ringing it could mean that someone is thinking of you. It could mean that the NSA have finally tuned into your brain waves. Either way it is adorable.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Having no luck raising money or getting that loan you have been wishing for? Fear not! The black market value for your quasi-valuable organs is more lucrative than ever!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Your friends and neighbors will enter your life. Cut them out immediately. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- The Full moon will bring new romance into your life. Or was it the new moon….? oh who remembers these things anyway? Forget I said anything.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Sharing your dreams could bring new hope and opportunity. It could also bring scathing ridicule from your friends and family.