The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – You will find yourself at the mercy of some particularly sadistic debt collectors.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – A one legged homeless man will begin to call your porch home.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – You will be hit by a car outside the A.B.V.I. You will not see it coming.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Avoid yellow plaid jackets and avocados.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Are you wondering if it is time to take that next big step in a relationship? The answer is no.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Breathe in. Fuck it. Breathe out. Repeat.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – This week your beer will always be flat and your shoes will always be damp.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – The chicken crossed the road to escape the morbid pointlessness of life. I suggest you do the same.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- You will get a song stuck in your head. The lyrics will be wrong.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Wednesdays are now bring your roadkill to work day.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – You will find your next business partner at the neighborhood OTB.