Video Games have rarely led to a person’s rise in sexual conquest. The majority of video games are played in dark, bad smelling rooms with urine filled Mt. Dew bottles. Recently video games have left the hobbit holes of America and hit the streets of the real world and invaded every crevice of the Nation. A Barrage of PokeMon has been release into the mortal realm and gamers are eagerly seeking them out from Penfield to Conkey Ave. Driving thru even the smallest towns at night players are walking the streets, meeting new friends and finding pokemon across the world. The most positive thing about the game is that it is attracting an equal number of female and male players. Gamers are having new interactions with people in their towns, going on ‘pokedates’ to exotic locations, it’s a nerd’s fantasy world…
With any new sensation a world of sexual exploration is now opening and affecting the lives of several nerds who shunned dating apps such as Tinder and (Todd) Grinder. “We love technology and apps but I was a failure at Tinder” Justin Parks an avid PokeMon Go Player explained. “Now that a lot of hot chicks are into Pokemon I can be the one in charge,” He continued, “Before macho guys with muscles and cool haircuts got all the girls but now having a good PokeMon set will raise some eyebrows, at least that’s what I;m hoping.”
While few reports of ‘Nerd Sex’ after or during PokeMon sessions have been recorded the police are concerned about another form of expression ‘Pedophile sex’ and have urged that Nintendo not put any Pokemon within 50 feet of a dirty pervert who diddles kid’s house. The popular opinion is that this is unfair as most convicted pedophiles have listed ‘playing Pokemon’ as a favorite hobby.
A brief survey on the TeenSet website about Pokemon Sex led to mostly rude and belligerent comments and few hard facts about the act of hooking up while playing Pokemon. However, Collin Rat of the Albany punk band the Neutron Rats (playing the punks picnic sept 11th) claims to have played Pokemon with a cute girl in a park near his house. “I had been falsifying my GPS to catch Pokemon in other cities and they caught me and banned me from the game.” Collin further spoke of the cute girl saying “She was very nice yet possibly underage, so yes being banned from Pokemon has ruined my life in several different ways.” Collin who is facing federal charges for falsifying his Pokemon game could not be reached for further comment, a fund is being raised by friends to bail him out of prison.
Dave C of Perrinton came forward with his tale of actually making whoppie with a living human after playing pokemon. He first explained that until the game was released his only interaction with females was at work. “And I was told not to ask for girls numbers anymore by my boss at Bill Grays” he scoffed. “Being a Gym leader’ he babbled on “has led me to meeting a ton of new girls I had no idea would talk to me.” “I offer to take them to a really weird place that has Ghastlys and they generally say yes” he bragged Dave reflected on his new life as a Pokemon gym leader, “ I’ve actually learned a lot about women gamers because of Pokemon Go, I used to be so aggressive to them.” He began to show a little remorse as he continued, “When a girl would log onto call of duty I would call her a Bitch or a Cunt thru my bluetooth headset.” “Now I respect them,” he answered, “they are human beings, fellow pokemon trainers, playing a game and we are all equal in Pokemon go.” A female Pokemon Player has yet to upset Dave in battle but he shrugged at the question stating “the way this world is going, nothing would surprise me.”