Insomniac Horoscopes

Insomniac Horoscopes

The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…

Aries (March 21-April 19) –Do not trust that fart.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) –Do not let insecurity or fear keep you from pursuing your dreams. The corrupt system of capitalism already does that.

Gemini (May21 – June 20) –Use a trial by combat to figure out who your true friends are.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) –You will become preoccupied with squirrels and malt liquor

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Others want what you want. The question is, is their greed greater than yours?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- An eye for an eye may leave the world blind. But you did not want to see their point of view anyway.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – The answer to life’s questions is no.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – I think Pisces is out to get you. Keep an eye on that shifty bastard.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Delete your search history. They are coming.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)-You will need to find new solutions to old problems. Mostly because the liquor is running low.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- A life hopping trains has to be better than this. Work on your panhandling.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – The time to strike is now. Not against Scorpio. Certainly not.