National Teenset Outsider: National Buffet Month

National Teenset Outsider: National Buffet Month

As Christopher Columbus’s holiday rolled in this year, few sang the praises of the once adored explorer. “Let the kids take off Halloween from school instead” clamored morning talk show hosts. “This puritan asshole didn’t discover shit.” Kathy Gifford of Good Morning America proclaimed. A similar backlash is expected as this year’s Thanksgiving looms ahead. The cops in NYC are expecting trouble from liberal Americans at the beloved Macy’s Day parade. Extra secret service men (and women even) have been to assigned to protect one of the nation’s greatest assets from terrorist attacks. “The Big floating Snoopy is at great risk of being popped,” said NYPD chief Mark Bishop in a NY Times interview. “A guy could easily just cut the ropes and up Snoopy goes, it would take a lot of work to get him back down, a guy could also like, throw a dart into Snoopy’s Big dog nose, Gosh! Kaboom!” He added. The chief admitted that the biggest fear would be of “An Indian in a headdress protesting the holiday by shooting a bow and arrow through Snoopy’s eye or something, god that would be awful.”

The one thing both presidential candidates agree on is that in 2017 National Buffet Month will be a recognized holiday. National Buffet Month goes a lot further back than the Pilgrim age (which in concept is a very offensive time) but, it goes all the way back to the Neanderthal age! National Buffet Month is a holiday that Archaeologists (ark-e-ol-o-gists) discovered while deciphering hieroglyphics (hi-ro-grip-licks). Nobody could be offended by something a Mongoloid, stinky, flat faced cave person did over 80 years ago. The cave markings depict a pre-winter event where cavemen go from cave to cave carrying trays getting a meal from each cave. Some drawings depict cave women being dragged by their hair on the ground by the male cave persons. This is no longer part of the new holiday with the last remnants being a sponsor of the event in Columbus Ohio. A Buffet chain in that area had a neon logo depicting a man dragging a woman on the floor by her hair on their signs. A striking similarity to celebrity Brittany Murphy and the dragged woman was noticed and a likeness suit was filed after her death by the estate. The logo has since been replaced by a neon Fred Sanford eating a chicken leg.


Many early developers of the new holiday questioned the door to door aspect of eating as America has yet to perfect the simple activity of children’s trick-or-treat. On average, each child’s candy sack contains 2 concealed razor blades and 3-5 tabs of LSD. So rather than trusting your neighbors Parmesan chicken (with head lice in place of Parmesan cheese) the holiday suggest visiting local buffet restaurants.

Please visit last years Buffet reviews at

Sadly, several buffets have vanished locally, therefore, experts are anticipating extremely long lined all month at the remaining buffets. Lines predicted for the Henrietta Jefferson rd Golden Coral are expected to reach as far as Market Place Mall. Servers will disperse ‘bread sticks’ to the line to ease the burden and hardship/struggle of standing upright.