Welcome all, to another edition of The Rochester Insomniac. If you have been keeping up with our “You Should Never Do This” column, you know that we have taken on some pretty controversial subject matter, to say the least. Well our next subject, although it may be a bit more on the lighter side, is no less controversial. Any real hip hop lover would exclaim very vehemently that you should never do this and I would agree with them wholeheartedly, but never the less, I’m here to give you a quick run-down on how you can become a wack rapper.
Now, I know the question that is on your mind right now. Why would I want to be a wack rapper? A valid question with a simple answer. Money. Contrary to what you may believe, a rapper’s income is not an accurate way of assessing his skills on the mic. Born on the street corners and in the parks of America’s vast urban battlefields of the 1980’s, hip hop has always seen its most potent lyricist rise from veritable obscurity to take the world by storm. In the wakes of these “Rap Gods,” we have seen M.C.’s, with talent leagues above legions of would-be artists, just fall by the wayside and become mere footnotes in hip hop history.
The scene has changed greatly since that golden era, which what the late 90’s era of hip hop was referred to. Mainstream music had excepted hip hop and the record companies were cashing in. Skills became less important than the image as the sunset at that time and post 90’s hip-hop was a cavalcade of catchy beats and hooks highlighted by the bling and drug cultures. As a wack rapper, this is where you’ll make your mark.
To be fair, wack rappers, it really isn’t your fault. You’re just cashing in on the masses of music fans that are ok with accepting a subpar product. In fact, I applaud you. Which brings us to our current juncture. If you want to rap but do not necessarily have the necessary lyrical ability pay close attention. Here is how you become a successful wack rapper.
STEP 1. Get yourself some beats! We have already established that you cannot rap, so the only thing that is going to save you from anyone paying attention to your nonexistent rhymes is a beat that just goes H.A.M. That’s, hard as a motherfucker, for the Ebonics illiterate.
How many times have you found yourself nodding your head inexplicably to a song you don’t even like. Why? Something about the melody, the rhythm gets a hold of you before you can think to change the station. Across the country millions of people are experiencing the same exact situation and not touching that dial. They want what’s new and fresh. All you have to do is get your hokey pokey lyrics on an amazing beat and you are good to go. Flood your social media profiles with your single to ride that wave of mediocrity to glory.
STEP 2. Sell yourself like a cheap whore. Yeah, you read that right. Let’s face it, you’re going to have to give people something to like. Somewhere in that wack single, you said something that gave all of your fans a mental image of who you are, and they love it. So sell it! Party hard and make the world believe that you are living life to the extreme. If your image is gangster be super gangster. Don’t just be cool, be too cool. Get in the world’s face and live like you don’t care, and they will love you for it. You are everything they can’t be and they believe in you. It does not matter that none of it is real. You’ll most likely be gone before anyone realizes how much damage you’ve really done. Remember, you don’t care, it’s all about one thing. Cold hard cash.
STEP 3. Start some beef. Back in the day when two rappers questioned who was better the only way to settle the argument was to battle it out. Being a wack rapper it has already been established that lyrically your bars are the musical equivalent of nursery rhymes. That’s ok. You don’t have to win this battle. It doesn’t matter who wins. All that matters is the publicity the conflict gets. Don’t be dumb, though, you don’t want to get in the ring with a heavyweight. Taking on a big name could spell career suicide, and you want to ride this money train to the last stop. Your best option is to pick another wack rapper to go after. You would actually be doing him a favor. Done right, starting some beef could add months or years to your shitty rap career.
So there you go folks. That is how it’s done! Now please, I beg you, DO NOT DO THIS! Rochester loves hip-hop, that’s a fact that needs no repeating, and I think we can all agree that we do not need any more wack rappers gracing the airwaves. Thankfully we have a local radio station to offset the influx of the horrible rap that seems to be unending. Shout out to Cellobrown and Mush of the Bobb Mohommod Hip Hop Show on WAYO 104.3. They come to the hip hop rescue every Friday from 5-7. I don’t know if the rest of the world has heroes like these on the airwaves, and I don’t think that’s a risk worth taking so let’s all do our part to keep the population of wack rappers under control. If you know of anyone on the verge of starting a rap career the world would be better without, grab him or her and in your most sincere and earnest voice. Tell them to stop that shit. Seriously, just stop.