Insomniac Horoscopes

Insomniac Horoscopes

The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…


Aries (March 21-April 19) – Team up with others who share your desires and thoughts. Become the hero’s this city deserves. Or become the villains this city deserves. Options are important.


Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Sit back and observe others’ behavior today. Become suspicious of others’ behavior today. They are up to something today…


Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Small things can slowly eat away at your psyche until they’re addressed and dealt with. It could be a minor anxiety of daily life. Or it could be cockroaches. You have cockroaches.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22) –You feel like you are not having enough fun at your job. That is because it is a job. Get back to work slacker.


Leo (July 23 – August 22) –If you are on thin ice you might as well dance. Take a chance cocksucker.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)-Tomorrow never comes. Keep procrastinating. Bleed the system dry.


Libra (September 23 – October 22) – One out of three people is a reptilian overlord.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – You came to give up on life and chew bubblegum. You are all out of bubblegum.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Your cell phone provider will start offering telepathy plans.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- You will be involved in a terrible twerking accident.


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Arm yourself. They are coming.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – The system is rigged, there is no turning back, resistance is futile. Sit back and enjoy a Miller High Life.