Insomniac Horoscopes

Insomniac Horoscopes

The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Your trip down the murky roads of life is a perilous one. Buy Rebook.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Your life will take a sudden unexpected turn. Bone up on your squatter’s rights and scope out dumpsters. 

Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Your leftover food will gain sentience and begin muttering German swear words. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Your life is a beautiful delusion. break out to understand reality. Or do not and float on.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – A strange smell will start coming out of your roommate’s room. Their door will also begin dripping blood and stuttering by itself. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- The hard work you put into fitness is paying off. Your new set of arms is beginning to sprout and should be ready for mating season.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – You will begin seeing apocalyptic visions. It could be a new awareness of the universe. It could be gas. Time will tell.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – You will feel the presence of something hideous. The inmost soul of human fear and agony at the gates of oblivion. It will be at a Denny’s.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Today is the day top take a hold of your aggressive, assertive self. Take charge and start a riot in the streets.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- The MSG in your food will transform into locusts.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Broaden your horizons with a new hobby. Try knitting, or jogging, or ritualistic bloodletting. 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – The laws will change. Your utter contempt for the law will not.