The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Failure to read the Terms and Agreements will force you into a life of servitude to Spotify. All hail Spotify.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You will experience an orgy of fear so deep it will shatter your soul. or you will experience an actual orgy. The future is a little murky on this one.
Gemini (May21 – June 20) – Moles will invade your basement. If left unchecked their tunnels will begin to form a rough civilized colony.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – There is a tension in the air. Try using incense to dispel the bad mojo. if that doesn’t work try crystals. Just keep using buying knick-knacks until that tension goes away.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – There is absolute no happiness you can derive from the consumption of drugs. That is unless you pony up for the good stuff.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- You will awake feeling like you are inside a different person’s body in another person’s life. This new life will be just as shit as the last one.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Slow and steady wins the race. Unless that race is the race away from a charging bear. Then fast and quick wins the race. Jumping will also help win the race.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Your favorite socks will become possessed by hippie poltergeists.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Your pantry will become the cool new hangout for local punks. The tall boy cans and incessant D-Beat will drive you to madness.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Have you tried putting your love life in rice and letting it sit overnight?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- A chair will appear in your living room. You will not be able to move it. Its mere presence will be unsettling.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Spice things up in your sex life by shouting out various names during intercourse.