Insomniac Horoscopes

Insomniac Horoscopes

The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Kill them with kindness. If that does not work kill them with hydrogen peroxide.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You will write a brilliant transcendent manifesto that will never be heard.

Gemini (May21 – June 20) – A rather rambunctious squad of leprechauns will block your fridge door. Now is a good time to begin that diet you have been putting off. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – The world is seriously lacking in new manifestos. Maybe begin one today. The more radical the better. 

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Do not fear the known unknowns. it is the unknown unknowns that are a bigger problem.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- You spend your days trying to escape the labyrinth of monotony. Stop running and rise up above the walls. 

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Now is a good time to turn your internal screaming into external screaming. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Strange green creatures haunt your dreams. They also haunt your glove box. Try fly paper to capture and remove the little green creatures. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You are fat, ugly, vulgar, gluttonous, grandiose, dishonest, stupid, jejune, voracious, greedy, cruel, cowardly and evil. But at least that makes you unique. Congrats.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- Sometimes you are looking into the unimaginable void of the universe. Sometimes you are looking up your own ass. Knowing the difference is important.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- Someone will switch your bong water for cherry flavored Faygo. This will not upset your daily routine.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Live every day like God’s worst enemy.